Let’s Talk About Sex After Birth
Sex after the baby?! GASP!
Mention sex, and most people don’t want to talk about it. Parents have genuine concerns about sex after birth, but most keep their questions to themselves. At Columbia Birth Center, we’re getting real and personal. Let’s look at genuine concerns we have heard in hopes of preparing you for what to expect once your baby arrives.
“I don’t enjoy being looked at or touched right now.”
It’s no surprise that your body goes through many changes after pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Many moms get “touched out,” which is what we call a response caused by someone always needing something from your body. If you’re like any women, you already have a love-hate relationship with your body, and you may feel like your after-pregnancy body is unrecognizable.
Resuming intimacy with your partner is important for your relationship, but your body has just been through an incredible transformation to bring your baby into the world. Be honest with your partner and take the time you need to adjust to everything new.
“I’m scared sex will be difficult and painful.”
You may be especially scared if you tore or needed stitches after birth. If that happened to you, you’ll need time for your body to heal. However, the number one reason for pain during sex after childbirth is usually pelvic floor dysfunction. Your pelvic floor is an incredible bundle of muscles, supporting your entire pregnancy and birth, and it may just need some TLC to get back to operating at 100 percent. Nerves and postpartum hormones can cause vaginal dryness and a bit of discomfort as well.
It’s okay to admit that sex might be less than optimal for a time. Be patient with each other and know the best sex may be yet to come.
“I feel so overwhelmed, and he wants sex.”
What are the sexiest words your partner can utter to you postpartum? “Honey, I brought dinner, put the kids to bed, and started your bath. Would you like me to hold the baby?”
Many women are overwhelmed with their responsibilities in the first days after delivery. New mothers feel vulnerable and alone caring for a helpless infant. Second-timers are trying to figure out how to meet the needs of their older child AND a newborn. Moms with more children may have even greater challenges to balance everything. Just getting enough rest to stay sane may seem impossible. In these circumstances, intercourse is the last thing on your mind. Look for ways to reassure your partner of your love, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
QUICK SHOUT OUT: Hey, Mama, your partner can feel very displaced after the baby is born. When you got pregnant, the attention was all on you. Now that the baby is here, the baby gets all the attention. It’s normal for your partner to have a “What about me???” feeling. Open communication can help prevent issues that make it more challenging to connect emotionally and physically.
“I’m not sure when we should have sex after giving birth.”
Sex after pregnancy happens. Honestly.
While there's no required waiting period before you can have sex again, there are four recommendations we have:
Both parties are genuinely interested in having sex again.
No bleeding for two consecutive days straight. If intercourse results in bleeding, the clock starts over.
Both parties use plenty of water-based lubrication for more comfort.
Both parties mutually agree on what contraception to use. Sex after pregnancy requires a reliable method of birth control. If either party worries about another immediate pregnancy, sex will not be an enjoyable experience. Note that a vasectomy is not effective contraception until after the 12-week check-up.
“I’m breastfeeding, so I don’t think I’ll get pregnant.”
If you're under six months postpartum, exclusively breastfeeding at least every three hours, including during the night, and haven't resumed menstruating, breastfeeding might offer about 98 percent protection from pregnancy. However, research suggests that the contraceptive effectiveness of breastfeeding varies. CBC offers education and resources for all forms of effective birth control except surgery.
There’s More To Intimacy Than Sex
Re-learning sex after having a baby is sometimes a process. The sex you had before the baby will look and feel different than the sex you have after the baby. And that’s okay. Bringing home your newborn means things will change, and change causes stress. Be gentle with each other during the transition time to your new reality.
Remember, there's more to intimacy than sex, especially when you're adjusting to life with a new baby. If you aren’t feeling sexy or are afraid sex will hurt, talk to your partner. Until you're ready to have sex, maintain intimacy in other ways. Spend time together without the baby, even if it's just a few minutes in the morning or after the baby sleeps. Look for other ways to express affection.
If you're still struggling, be alert for signs and symptoms of postpartum depression — such as severe mood swings, loss of appetite, overwhelming fatigue, and lack of joy. If you think you might have postpartum depression, reach out to CBC. Getting help will make a big difference.
Caring for yourself will go a long way toward keeping passion alive in your relationship.